Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
