She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
