i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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