apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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