yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
