I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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