she woke up with a sticky ear
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
