I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
