If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
