lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
