how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
