Nicole vs. Life
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
