conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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