Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
