My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
