Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish you could order shots online.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He felt like a one man threesome
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
