Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
