somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
