I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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