I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
