a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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