i can't believe i had my finger in that
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
