He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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