No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
