i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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