the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
