Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
