Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Princesses don't give blow jobs
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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