Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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