I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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