had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
