Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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