I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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