I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
