i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
