Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
