I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
