I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
