If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
