I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
