She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
