I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
