Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
