Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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