Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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