btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
