Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
