That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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