I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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