i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
