I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
