Only a mothe r could love this liver
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
